
Rnnt -• • G Cr. 

DOBELL COLLECTION 



I 



/ 



GOSSIP 



£i2 
MILLHALL. 



1858. 



/"^ 



205449 
'13 



,^- A ^^ 



leiritateb 



M. F. E. 
M. T. E. 

M. P. 
J. M. E. 

E. E. 



MiWmll, April 25t7i, 1858. 



€onttnt%. 



ADVERTISEMENTS 1 

THE SECRETARY'S VALENTINE 21 

AN HOUR IN ROSHERVILLE GARDENS 24 

LECTURE ON ASTRONOMY 46 

MILLHALL POULTRY 54 

ODDMENTS 65 

MESSRS. SHOOLBRED AND COOK'S 73 

HIC JACET GULIELMUS 79 

THE MORNING ADVERTISER 80 



ADVERTISEMENTS 

Aee not usually considered to form the most entertaining 
portion of a newspaper, since it is but a lucky few of 
the community who are apprised that " on application 
to Messrs. Slyme, Pyson, and Mudd, Solicitors, Jewin 
Lane, they will hear of something to their advantage." 
Moreover, the various announcements of "eligible oppor- 
tunities, " " brilliant openings, " and " extraordinary 
bargains now offered, " are apt to be viewed by an 
unappreciating public with an apathy which forms quite 
a social paradox. So it was with no very exciting 
anticipations of a rich literary treat, that on a certain 
occasion of having to spend some time in a dentist's 
waiting room, we proceeded, after reading the whole of 



the inside of The Times^ to allay the cravings of a still 
unsatisfied intellectual appetite by a perusal of the 
outside sheet* 

The first advertisement on which we lighted was of 
a "patent elastic boddice," an institution as inapplicable 
to the exigencies of our, unfortunately male, constitution, 
as to you, fair reader, would be the "leather breeches for 
hunting " which were described in the succeeding para- 
graph. It was therefore with but very subdued excite- 
ment that we became aware of the advantage placed 
within our reach by the offer of a subsequent advertiser 
" to forward a single stay to any part of the kingdom, 
post free on receipt of a post office order." It is still a 
matter of perplexity to us what a single stay may be. 
Until reading the announcement above quoted, we, be- 
nighted masculines that we are, had always laboured 
under the delusion that the interesting institution in 
which the feminine bust is shrined was essentially 
double, to wit, " a pair of stays." Passing over 
"improved bassinettes," as having, happily, no present 
or prospective interest for us, we were gratified by the 



assurance conveyed by the next paragraph that " By 
the use of the Sardinian pomade the moustache may be 
gradually trained to grow in the desired form. '' The 
reflection which presents itself in connexion with this 
subject is that the inconsiderate application of anything 
in the nature of fixateur would be indiscreet, since 
should the moustache grow out straight and stiff to the 
right and left, and be then solidified into a rigid bar by 
fixateur, the wearer would present an appearance sug- 
gestive of a Newfoundland dog carrying a stick in his 
mouth, and might possibly be subjected to the incon- 
venience of being prevented from entering some narrow 
doorway, without either butting down the door posts, or 
else having to sidle in slantindicularly like a crab. 

There are but few newspapers which are free from 
advertisements of quack medicines, embodying dismal 
narratives of physical sufiering, through a cruel course 
of which some unfortunate gentleman is represented as 
having been conducted into a rayless abyss of misery 
and despair. They relate with painful minuteness how 

he was bothered with boils on his legs, and doubled up 

B 2 



with aggravating cricks in his back, and generally 
victimised to such a degree by every affliction with 
which humanity is assailable, that the wonder is how he 
ever contrived, as we say in Sussex, " to make a live of 
it." You are hardly supported and sustained through 
the heartrending detail by the confident assurance, 
which, from the subject of the advertisement you can- 
not fail secretly to entertain, of the eventual happy 
denouement of the story, and of the beatified condition 
of its hero induced by taking the advertiser's pills. 
The practical advertisement exhibited by Professor 
Holloway in the Strand by his establishment near 
Temple Bar, where a score or more of busy-fingered 
young men may be seen incessantly engaged in filling 
and dispatching boxes of pills with the fiery energy and 
speed which the demand is thus intimated to require, is 
calculated to raise in the spectator's mind the same 
perplexity as is felt after inspecting the cartridge manu- 
factory at Woolwich, namely, how it comes to pass that 
anybody is left alive in the world in the presence of so 
prodigious a supply of destructive agencies. Every 



fair reader of The Times will find herself now a-days 
recommended " before having her likeness taken to 
send for Dewdney's patterns of brooches," and particu- 
larly for " the registered revolving brooch." One loses 
oneself in fruitless conjecture as to what the advantages 
of a revolving brooch may be. One inevitable result of 
its peculiarities obviously is that it must be exactly 
half its time the wrong side before. It is stated to be 
" one of the acknowledged novelties of the season." 
Probably so. Pianos we found were represented to be 
cheap in consequence of — what do you think ? Why 
" the inundations at Lyons!" of all things in the world. 
Having happily no stable or nursery, our attention was 
but transiently arrested by the appeals of those two 
well known and indefatigable enquirers, who have 
continued so long, but without pausing for a reply, to 
address the public with their interrogatories respectively 
of " Do you bruise your oats yet ? " and " Do you double 
up your perambulators.? " 

The series of advertisements of " travelling indis- 
pensables," which swells so largely as the season for 



Mr. Bull's annual migration to the Continent recurs, 
presents various matters for consideration. Only fancy 
if anybody were to believe the shop-keepers, and take 
the whole collection of miscellanies, all of them of 
highly problematical utility, which are alleged to be 
indispensable ! Such a traveller's portmanteau would 
have to equal the Burlington arcade in point of capacity, 
as well as in the miscellaneous character of its contents, 
and the most accommodating of " expanding trunks " 
would give up expanding in despair. First, there would 
be Longman's & Murray's "Travellers' libraries." 
Then we know that " no one should go to sea without a 
life-belt," nor, as another advertiser pertinaciously 
affirms, without " a pocket filter." A " tient-tout 
portmanteau " must not be forgotten, which it will 
require the exercise of subtle as well as practised 
ingenuity to undo, and which will defy the most artful 
manipulation to do up again. It is found also to be an 
unparalleled contrivance for defeating any rash attempts 
to stow anything in it, combining, as it does, the property 
of holding nothing whatever, with the most disheart- 



ening complication of structure. The " patent square 
mouthed bag with an opening as large as the bag itself" 
has an arrangement identical with that adopted by 
nature in the case of the jaws and stomach of the cod- 
fish, and may possibly be an improvement on the old 
carpet bag. The small hand bags which ladies carry, 
would, after all, bear off the palm as the most capacious 
repositories of everything in the world, containing, as 
they frequently seem to do, every known development 
of manufactured material from a ginger lozenge to a 
companion to the altar. Then, " Who," it is daily 
asked, " would be without a dressing case ? " The wise 
traveller however will hesitate before attaching to himself 
a weighty and angular institution, possessed with a con- 
tradictory spirit of refusing to go into any other package, 
and furnished with every mortal implement in the world 
ever conceived by the excursive imagination of outfitters, 
with the exception of the two or three odd articles which 
are the only ones which he really will want en voyage. 
A dressing case is indeed endued with so unaccommo- 
dating a disposition, and qualities so inconvenient in a 



8 



fellow-traveller, as that its companionship would go far 
to render life a burden to the most lighthearted of 
tourists. 

As for coats of all kinds, the modern traveller who 
should put faith in advertising tailors would altogether 
eclipse Naaman and his nine changes of raiment, or 
evenaFriesland bride, whose dowry consists in petticoats, 
and who staggers to the altar banked up in the whole 
collection, since it would be difficult to count the number 
of " pocket Siphonias," "registered aquascutums," &c. , 
which would claim admittance to his wardrobe. He 
would find himself the proprietor of a museum of 
garments whose outlandish names are paralleled only 
by their outrageous shapes, to which however by whole 
columns of daily advertisements " the attention of a 
discriminating public is respectfully invited." 

Apropos of Siphonias, the tourist is implored in lan- 
guage of aiFectionate interest not to think of leaving Eng- 
land without that invaluable pocket companion — not 
The whole duty of Man, or a miniature almanack — but 
the patent syphon tap which requires no vent peg," 



and he is desired " by all means " to " see its action 
explained." Among the items which still remain to 
complete his outfit, are a portable camera, a microscope, 
and a sketching tent. But the advertisers have not 
half done with him yet ! for the first thing he sees on 
taking up The Times in the Cofiee Room of The Lord 
Warden on his return to England, is, that there is "no 
home without a stereoscope," and that " Continental 
travellers should inspect 10,000 lovely scenes and 
groups " (a nice job !) at the Stereoscopic Company's 
gallery," &c. A favorite dog of ours, rejoicing in the 
name of Jones, is always a subject of envy to us in the 
matter of travelling, since her only luggage, to wit her 
inflexibly curly tail, is always packed and ready, and it 
is also free from the inconvenient weakness which 
characterises the disposition of other baggage, for going 
on erratic expeditions of its own wholly unconnected with 
the particular arrangements of its owner. Moreover, 
Jones is sure to enjoy her travels, since, provided she 
is with her master, it is a matter of the utmost indifie- 
rence to her whether any particular excursion on which 



10 



she starts with him is to terminate in the next field or in 
Kamschatka. 

Beyond necessary clothing and books, the only 
extras which we have in the result of some ex- 
perience found it desirable to be provided with, are, 
first, very thin shoes in case of travelling many whole 
nights in succession, when any remonstrance on the part 
of the physical system is apt to be expressed by 
discomfort of the feet. Secondly, James' powders for 
curbing the pulse if inclined to gallop under similar 
circumstances, and thirdly, Eau de Cologne, which is 
the veritable elixir vitae in fatigue, and absolutely 
necessary should you travel in the same carriage as 
Germans. Unless indeed under such circumstances the 
mechanical expedient adopted in the dissecting-rooms 
of hospitals of compressing the nose with a split cane 
be resorted to. Germans, in addition to being unac- 
quainted with the advantages of washing, have an 
obnoxious habit of carrying a store of animal sustenance 
about their persons. That such is actually the case is 
evidenced by the circumstance that the collectors of 



11 



town dues in Germany obviously entertain the constant 
expectation of detecting a magazine of food of this 
description in the pockets of travellers. We remember 
how, on the occasion of entering Germany from Holland 
on the top of a mail coach some years ago, we were 
pounced upon by the myrmidons of the octroi who 
demanded whether we had no " fleisch " about us. An 
answer in the negative did not satisfy our suspicious 
visitants, one of whom fumbled us all over so elaborately 
for the purpose of allaying some misgivings which he 
appeared to entertain with reference to some concealed 
store of cold meat, that it felt almost like being sham- 
pooed, or sustaining the character of a prize ox at 
Smithfield Cattle Show when subjected to the usual 
course of inquisitive manipulation at the hands of the 
agricultural interest. Detecting at length a lump under 
the multitudinous strata of great coats in which we were 
immersed up to the eyebrows, he exclaimed with a 
wild whoop of triumph, "Ah! fleisch! '^ and insisted 
on its production. After a laborious process of disin- 
terment, the subject of his misgivings proved to be a 



12 



Murray which had been divested of its cover in order 
to make it more portable. The conclusion however to 
be drawn from the occurrence was a little surprising, 
namely, that a German seriously believes that John 
Bull could consider it likely to enhance his comfort in 
travelling that his peregrinations should be pursued 
with the heavy ballast of an angular block of meat in 
his pocket. 

Everyone knows that it is necessary to take soap when 
travelling on the continent, as it is not found at the 
hotels. A Yankee indeed is apt to regard w^ashing the 
hands as a weak conformity to a miserable prejudice 
long since exploded in enlightened societies. Old- 
fashioned people however who still cling to the 
practice will find that it is hardly less essential at 
English than at foreign hotels to be provided with a 
private store of soap, since at our inns the traveller is 
generally supplied with a hard and utterly unfeasible 
white cube of something which appears to be a 
magnified die, or a young brickbat, and which he is at 
liberty to poke his hands with if he likes, or cut up 



13 



into dominoes if he can, but which proves to be a mere 
mockery and a snare if attempted to be applied to any 
ablutionary purposes. We learnt from an ingenious 
travelling companion a mode of partially circumventing 
the enemy by putting it in water over night, but its 
mollification by this course of treatment is occasionally 
found to require a more protracted period of immersion 
than is compatible with the intended duration of the 
traveller's sojourn in the locality. The only alternative 
known to English hotels from this " curd soap," as we 
are given to understand it is called, is a section of 
a bar of the ambercoloured domestic yellow. This 
however is open to the impeachment of being coarse 
and generally unpleasant, and it is also frequently 
observed to be sufi'used with a kind of luminous 
perspiration which is objectionable. It may be useful 
to persons who happen to have a tour in Spain in 
contemplation to be warned that they must, when 
travelling in that country, guard their soap as care- 
fully as their passport. They will otherwise find 
themselves quickly relieved of it. At San Sebastian 



14 



last year our cake of brown Windsor suddenly and 
mysteriously " absquotilated." The party by whom 
it was adopted could not possibly have had any notion 
of converting it to its legitimate purpose, since nobody 
who has seen a pair of Spanish hands can doubt that 
a knowledge of the virtues of soap and water remains 
still unrevealed to the natives of the Peninsula. It 
may therefore be considered probable that the chamber- 
maid privately regaled herself upon it under the 
impression that it was a piece of cheese. The only 
other theory which would appear to be admissible on 
the subject is that it may have been transmitted by the 
landlord of the hotel to some local museum as a 
curiosity of a novel character, and as forming an 
interesting subject for speculative conjecture as to its 
probable nature and qualities. It is to be remembered 
that the loss of any useful article in a country where 
garters and castanets form the exclusive subjects of 
commerce, is irreparable. 

Sensible people, or, in other words, people who are 
fond of tea, will not think of leaving home without 



15 



the proper appliances for manufacturing that divine 
luxury. There are, as far as our experience goes, but 
two houses of entertainment on the continent, where 
the genuine article may be obtained, namely, Daum's 
at Vienna, and a small upstairs estaminet, kept by a 
Welchwoman, near the northern railway terminus at 
Paris, Elsewhere, an order for tea eventually, but 
after long delay, results in the advent of a tepid fluid 
of so faint a colour that it may with apparent plausi- 
bility be pronounced to be water slightly sunburnt, or 
which has been stirred with a pale straw. Once 
indeed, at Anglers, we encountered a brew of an 
opposite description in the form of a dark and gelatinous 
mixture, which, when cold, solidified into an olive- 
coloured transparent jelly, so hard and elastic that 
we were persuaded that the hostess' India rubber 
goloshes must have been sacrificed in its preparation. 
So rigid indeed and metallic was it, that we became 
disposed on further consideration to discard the theory 
connecting it with the goloshes as erroneous, and to 
embrace the opinion that it must have been in fact a 



16 



decoction of watchspring. The notions indeed on the 
subject of tea which prevail in the minds of foreigners 
generally may be characterised as signally vague and 
unsatisfactory. In England too the received standard 
of what is to be considered as boiling water is often a 
low and unworthy one. Added to this, the infusion of 
vegetable matter, which by extravagant courtesy is 
entitled tea at country inns, betrays a suspicious 
tendency to a vivid green complexion, while at the 
same time the flavour of whatever particular shrub may 
happen to prevail in the vicinity is distinctly discernible 
in it. These properties naturally enough become the 
source of uncomfortable misgivings in the breast of the 
consumer. Tea therefore, properly so called, with an 
Etna for boiling water, may be regarded as, no less 
than soap, an indispensable accompaniment in tra- 
velling. 

It appears from what has been said that the position 
of a traveller who should adopt the recommendation of 
advertisements as to his outfit would become highly 
perplexing with reference to external accessories. 



17 



Apropos to the subject of the perils which environ the 
arrangements of inexperienced tourists, it may not be 
out of place to picture the agitating succession of 
mental vicissitudes to which the same individual would 
be a prey, should he feel himself bound to be torn by 
the whole series of emotions inspired by the various 
scenes on his road, which the guide books prescribe. 
What with " savage gorges " (which can often be 
jumped across), " fathomless abysses " (whose depths 
may frequently be sounded with an umbrella), 
*• entrancing tableaux " (of nothing particular), 
" bewildering varieties of hues," and gorgeous 
panoramas " (in the strain of the play bills which 
describe the glories of " transformation scenes " at 
transpontine theatres), his blood will be always either 
running cold with horror, or bubbling up at boiling 
point with transport, or else having its circulation put 
all nohow by a thrill. But this is digressing. 

To return to advertisements of a general character. 
Having arrived at the end of those addressed to the 
attention of intending tourists, and having merely 



IS 



glanced at a list of new publications, which, consisting 
as they did of " A Plan for a Suspension pier or jetty 
at Madras,'' " A Popular Inquiry into the Moon's 
rotation on her axis," and " Corpulency and its 
dietary cure," were all as much devoid of interest for 
us as the subsequent " A few friendly hints to young 
mothers," was inapplicable to any possible exigencies 
to which we might become liable, we were arrested by 
the audacious extravagance of mendacity exemplified 
in the pretence of "painless tooth extraction." The 
advertiser would perhaps wish you to believe that 
under his system the process can be rendered rather a 
luxury than otherwise. 

Hardly any newspaper is free from the manifestoes 
of those provoking humbugs, Messrs. Solomons & Sons, 
Opticians, of Albemarle Street, whose small telescopes 
" which may be carried in the waistcoat pocket, will 
shew Saturn's ring and Jupiter's satellites distinctly." 
One can hardly conceive the greenest of beings buying 
such things without a previous trial, and consequent 
experience of the difficulty which will be experienced 



19 



by the strongest visual faculties in overcoming such 

obstinate obstructions to sight, but should so weak a 

customer be found, he will discover that his purchase 

will show Saturn's satellites and Jupiter's ring equally 

clearly. 

One particular piece of information which may be 

gleaned from most newspapers is of more widely 

diffused interest to the public than is generally 

admitted, namely, that people who have a screw loose 

in the arrangements of what the vulgar tongue of 

prizefighters graphically terms the " potatoe trap" may 

enjoy the advantage of macerating their food with " a 

mineral tooth, the best that can be made, for five 

shillings." " Pulvermacher's hydro-electric chain " 

seems, if there is any truth in advertisements, to possess 

a versatile adaptibility to the relief of every form of 

human suffering which is very remarkable, entitling it 

to rank as the panacea for all ills which can afflict 

mankind, from a hiccup to being crossed in love. We 

merely take the two phases of misfortune just given 

as the most dissimilar in character which occur to us at 

c 2 



20 



the moment, and which therefore admit of a complete 
intervening series of disastrous occurrences embracing 
every possible form of adversity. We are not in a 
position to express any well-grounded opinion as to 
which may be the more serious contretemps of the two 
which have been named, being happily destitute of 
experience of either. 



THE SECRETARY\S VALENTINE. 



As in the humblest of creatures on earth 
Wise eyes may some excellence see, 

So, love, does each trifle around me give birth 
To its own recollection of thee. 

The rich bright vermillion which glows in this seal 
Thy lips will, though faintly, suggest ; 

And, melted at love's torch, my heart too, 1 feel. 
Is with thine image impressed. 

Like good blotting paper, a delicate pink 

Is thy cheek, and the glance of thy soft eyes is 

Lustrous and dark as the '' permanent ink " 
Supplied to the Government Offices. 



22 



This envelope is as thy clothes in its fit ; 

Thy " head " like another, no less 
Queenly in stamp and well-shapen than it; 

The direction recalls thy " address." 

To kindle love's flame do thy fingers seem made, 

So waxen are they, and so taper ; 
Thy soul is like " Delarue's extra cream laid " 
(As should be the soul of each innocent maid) 

Unsullied and pure as white paper. 

This penknife, by love-lighted fancy when scanned well. 

Has its souvenirs also : I find 
A type of thy neck in its ivory handle — 

In its keen polished blade — of thy mind. 

*'Thy tongue is the pen" (like the Psalmist king's) 

" Of a ready poetical writer;" 
Thy heart, as he tells us his was, of good things 

Is, I doubt not, a constant inditer. 



23 



Though my similes rather professional be, 
My love's not profession all. Say, fair ! 

That thou wilt be mine, so then I to thee 
Will always stick fast as a wafer. 



AN HOUR IN ROSHERVILLE GARDEN b. 



Many of us have had the misfortune to experience the 
dreariness of a sultry afternoon in London, in the latter 
part of August. At that season " everyone," that is to 
say four or Rye thousand persons perhaps out of the 
three million ordinary inhabitants of London, is out of 
town, except a few moody^looking homeless, though 
married, outcasts, who (their belongings having flitted in 
advance to Switzerland or the Highlands) haunt their 
clubs in a spectral manner, and become daily more and 
more discontented and impatient. Then also the half 
dozen stray bachelors who still linger in London in con- 
sequence of their inability to encounter the arduous 
labour of deciding where to go, get obviously into a 
very unsettled frame of mind, and become much 



25 



addicted to the study of the Continental Bradshaw. 
At this time too, gentlemen whose engagements bear a 
mercantile complexion not in all cases wholly uncon. 
nected with the dispensing of groceries and haber-. 
dashery, begin to permit certain premonitory symptoms 
of a vacation moustache to disclose themselves with a 
view to a prospective more full development of that 
embellishment, and the intensification by its means of 
the savage military appearance which they contemplate 
presenting on the pier at Margate. Well, at such a 
funereal season of dulness as this, one may dispose 
of oneself in many worse ways than by going for an 
hour, as it once occurred to us to do, to Rosherville 
gardens at Grave send. 

For the gardens really are very pretty. They occupy 
the site of a disused chalk pit, of which the bottom is 
laid out in walks and flower beds, and the sides covered 
with plantations intersected by artfully secluded paths, 
in which by a kind of convulsive efi'ort a resolutely 
imaginative person might possibly succeed in getting 
up an illusion of being in retirement. Then there are 



26 



amusements to suit all tastes. At the left on entering 
is an archery ground, where the targets are formed of 
lay figures stufied with straw, declared to represent 
Russians, or Chinese, or the foes for the time being of 
England, whoever they may happen to be, so that a 
slight tinge of patriotic ardour, not the less active for 
being perhaps unconfessed, gives an additional zest to 
the exertions of the shooters. The figures themselves 
when stuck full of arrows porcupine-fashion will not 
fail to suggest the pictures of the martyrdom of St. 
Sebastian as seen at Dulwich and elsewhere. Proceeding 
from the archery ground you come to the bears, who, 
like dishonest voters, have to be bribed before they can 
be got to the pole. At this point therefore a stall for 
comestibles is established, with the usual festive array 
of solid delicacies embosomed in a thicket of ginger 
beer bottles. Some of the cakes looked as if they had 
been there for months, as in point of fact no doubt they 
had, and certain puff's, much fly-blown, had clearly been 
on duty for an equally long period. It was observable 
that the article in most brisk demand was a bun of 



27 



double the ordinary size, not unknown to commerce 
elsewhere, and designated in the vulgar tongue by the 
formidably suggestive title of a " tuppeny buster." 
We thought of purchasing one to sit upon, for which 
purpose it appeared admirably adapted. Consumers of 
such substances, if endowed only with such digestive 
arrangements as those with which humanity is ordinarily 
furnished, must feel, we should conceive, after a repast 
on tuppeny buster, as if they had dined on feather-beds, 
or a sandwich formed of paving stones with an inter- 
mediate slice of slate, or a spadeful of the heavy wet 
clay from the home park at Millhall. Somewhat 
saddened by such gloomy apprehensions as these for the 
impending troubles of others, we pursued our walk, and 
came upon a spot in which various games of skill were 
being prosecuted with great liveliness. Among these 
was "the Chinese ring," consisting of a curtain ring 
hung by a string from the branch of a tree, and to be 
swung by the player so as to catch on a hook fixed in 
the trunk. We watched the process for some time, but 
our ingenuity wholly failed to conjecture the precise 



28 



character of the entertainment which it was supposed 
to aflford, a mystery which is still unrevealed to us. 
There were also the sticks seen at races and fairs, with 
toys poised upon them, affording an opening to capi- 
talists able to command any sum from twopence 
upwards to purchase the contingent acquisition of a 
wooden apple or a snuff box. 

For those requiring more highly-seasoned excitement, 
a ballet was taking place on a stage occupying the 
centre of a wooded amphitheatre. It must be confessed 
that a performance of this kind in the open air, and in 
full day light and costume, that is to say in full scantiness 
of costume, had a somewhat dissipated effect. The 
plot was no novel one, its subject being the courtship 
of a rustic beauty with a signally limited, and indeed 
altogether inadequate, development of petticoat, by a 
gentleman embodying alike the received notions of the 
troubadour and brigand, and much addicted to panto- 
mimic demonstration. One gathers however from the 
action of the piece that the hero is not considered an 
eligible son-in-law by the parents of the young lady. 



29 



since the meetings of the lovers are only accomplished 
after a grand choregraphic display on each occasion 
indicative of the surreptitious character of the proceed- 
ings, and are eventually concluded by the decisive step 
on the part of the indignant father of throwing the 
swain into a well. At this juncture of course the heroine 
comes out strong, standing on the edge of the well in a 
highly melodramatic pose, like the Jewess in a particular 
scene in Ivanhoe, only poised on one toe, and goes 
through a kind of miniature charade indicative of her 
fixed resolution to perpetrate instant self-destruction if 
her lover is not recovered. Obdurate parent yields ; 
the swain is fished up with a rope by the united efi'orts 
of the family, and a general reconciliation and happy 
denouement of the whole affair is signalised with an 
appropriateness inscrutable to the vulgar, and known 
only to ballets, by the whole corps dramatique building 
themselves up into a kind of living pyramid with the 
heroine at the top, she striking an attitude, intended, 
one would have supposed from the action of her arms, 
to represent swimming, did not the extension of one leg 



30 



at right angles to the other negative that conjecture. 
This final tableau, in consequence of the highly precari- 
ous stability of the pyramid we have described, formed 
a spectacle of somewhat agitating excitement. 

Adjoining the stage where these al fresco Thespian 
entertainments take place is a tower, which, in the 
innocence of our minds, we ascended, expecting to 
enjoy a good view from its summit. A view there 
unquestionably was at the top, the whole roof being 
occupied by couples philandering in an energetic manner, 
the summit of the tower having, as it seems, been found 
an eligible spot for this purpose, from the circumstance 
that it cannot be overlooked. It has therefore been 
formally appropriated by common consent to its present 
recognised and settled use. Having no companion, and 
being thus precluded from surrendering ourselves to the 
delightful suggestions of the scene, we descended to 
"The Baronial Hall " immediately below. This is a 
building which professes itself to be of the mediseval 
type, but as far as our observation went, it is of the 
"pure Gravesend" style of architecture, and has nothing 



31 



mediaeval in the remotest connexion with it, except 
indeed the date of the last ablution of the officiating 
waiters' shirts, which is apparently referable to that or 
even a more distantly remote era. The hall combines 
an arena for dancing, with facilities for obtaining the 
refr-eshment which that excercise, especially as 
practised at Rosherville, involves, and affords also good 
accommodation for persons like ourselves dull enough 
to be spectators. We hold however that, provided one 
is not obliged to dance, no scene of the kind, whether 
at Rosherville or Almack's, can fail to be amusing to 
the philosophical spectator, from the vivid pictures of 
life and character which it presents. We say no more 
of the dancing itself on this occasion than that it was 
signalised by decided manifestations of a tendency on 
the part of the cavaliers to a somewhat supererogatory 
manipulation of their partners. Our language on this 
topic is intentionally shrouded in some slight obscurity. 
The dresses of the performers, the elite of the gay 
world of Gravesend, will form a more unimpeachable 
subject for comment. 



32 



The most prominent feature of the scene was the large 
and varied display of feminine straw hats of the fungoid 
or mushroom type, many of which from their shape and 
trimming might have been characterised as extraordinary 
developments of imaginative enterprise. The achieve- 
ments too of the ladies in the way of polka jackets gave 
evidence of an exuberance of inventive fancy quite 
oriental. The cavaliers however were no whit behind 
the ladies in splendour, each individual's costume having 
been laboriously worked up to a great and glorious 
climax. The prevailing epidemic amongst the gentlemen 
at this particular period seemed to Le a tendency to 
break out into a violent eruption of neckcloth with an 
embroidered bow. The neckcloth however being fas- 
tened by a buckle behind, its wearer was kept chronically 
in a deplorable state of nervous agitation for fear it should 
yield to the impulse, which seemed to be ineradicably 
inherent in its nature, to turn round, thus revealing the 
occult mysteries of its being. We detected the secret 
anxiety of more than one of the beaux on this point, 
by observing a surreptitious fingering of the neckcloth 



33 



to allay the constantly recurring misgivings as to its posi- 
tion. The moustache movement appears to have taken 
strong root in Gravesend, and to be flourishing greatly 
in respect of the number of its advocates, though no 
very telling results have been achieved. The truth is, 
that the successful culture of the moustache is a 
pursuit subject to much uncertainty, frequently resulting 
only in most disheartening failure. It constantly 
occurs that the crop, notwithstanding a liberal manur- 
ing with pomatum, will not come up at all, or that when 
it has got above ground, in spite of being cherished 
with every known tonic and lubricant, it does not 
grow so strong as could be wished, and is generally 
poor and unsatisfactory. In other instances, in con- 
sequence of a screw loose somewhere in its constitu- 
tion, it presents a spectacle mournfully suggestive of 
the fluff of a dirty white hat, or the tail of a squirrel 
afflicted by mange. Sometimes it will betray an irre- 
pressible desire, and that on one side only, to curl in a 
soft voluptuous sweep round its owner's nose, or will 
obstinately persist in assuming a bright anchovy colour, 



34 



and if so untoward a propensity be forcibly corrected 
^y ^y^? it will then evince a revengeful determination 
to turn blue. The attire of a thorough-paced" gent," 
especially when he has come out for the express pur- 
pose of dancing with a sweetheart, is a prodigious 
matter, and as it is to be seen in the greatest perfection 
at Rosherville, we are tempted to sketch the prevailing 
type of a Gravesend Adonis as it came under our 
observation in "The Baronial Hall." 

To begin at the top. The shape of a gent's hat is 
a reflex in each case of its wearer's individual mental 
constitution (on which point a little more presently), 
but in its manufacture, finish, and general " motif," 
one recognises at a glance the specimens of such 
articles exhibited in Holborn shop windows, and labelled 
respectively, with divers notes of admiration, as " The 
thing," " The fashion," " All the go," " The Chester- 
field," "Meltonian," " The favourite," "Napoleon," 
"Much worn," "Just the touch," &c., &c. We re- 
member the virtuous horror of the owner of a shop of 
this kind where we once had to make a purchase on a 



35 



sudden emergency, at the remark that we abominated 
anything "novel," or "stylish," or "tasty," or "gen- 
teel," and that we should view anything "chaste" with 
unmitigated abhorrence. The strong point however of a 
gent is his waistcoat, generally of some furious pattern, 
consisting of so violent a combination of colours as is 
calculated to strike the unprepared beholder dumb 
with consternation. Upon love-spooney gents however 
instances of more mitigated patterns in subdued and 
softer hues may be observed. In these cases the waist- 
coats display, it may be, representations of myrtles 
with doves upon their branches, and breathe from each 
eloquent stitch the language of chaste passion, thus 
indicating the fond nature of the heart which throbs 
within them. Others again are to be met with em- 
bellished with violets. This style of waistcoat may be 
described as of the touching or plaintive class, and may 
be considered as symptomatic of unrequited attachment 
to somebody or other on the part of the wearer. The 
gentish or genteel (for the words are identical in signi- 
fication), shirt is too well known to need description, 

D 2 • 



36 



eruptive as it usually is with opera dancers, or race- 
horses, or cricketing implements, forcing on the 
spectator the conviction that somebody must have been 
suffusing it with those representations out of a pepper- 
castor or the rose of a watering pot, or that the wearer 
has been subjected to the highly exceptional casuality 
of getting caught in a shower of Carlotta Grisis without 
an umbrella. The coat of our gent is so various and 
Protean a garment as almost to elude description. We 
saw one once at the door of a ready-made clothes shop 
at Lyons of a very prevailing type, namely, with a 
pattern so large that, as has been aptly remarked, it 
would have taken three men to show the whole design, 
and with buttons of the size of young cheese plates. The 
coat in question was ticketed "Le Lord Maire," so that 
the Frenchman's notion of the apex of civic dignity as 
seen in full ^g, may be considered perhaps to have 
arisen rather from the somewhat excursive fancy of a 
cheap tailor than from any substantive acquaintance with 
the reality. We will not shock any fair reader by en- 
larging too fully on the particular portion of a gent's 



37 



attire whose sphere of usefulness extends from his waist 
to his ancles. The garment, or garments, since the exi- 
gences of a biped require that it should be of the dupli- 
cate form, to which we refer, have been christened by a 
name which points at the ordinary history of their acqui- 
sition, namely " reachmedowns." An intimation is pithily 
conveyed by this term that the present wearer having 
been struck by the attractiveness of their appearance 
when hanging ready-made in the window of Grove's, 
Moses', or Hyam's, establishment, as the case may 
have been, desired the shopman to reach him down 
the pair of inexpressibles in question for the purpose 
of an off-hand investment of his money as well as 
investiture of his legs in them. It is an unfortunate 
taste on the part of the members of the class we are 
describing which inclines so strongly to stripes down 
the sides of their nether garments, for unless the por- 
tions of attire to which these are applied fit with most 
felicitous exactitude, the stripes have a tendency to run 
round the leg like corkscrews, or the snakes on the 
Laocoon, or the bandages round barbers' poles, or the 



ribbons twining about the stakes which mark the 
boundaries of petty states in Germany. We arrive 
now at our model gent's boots, which, on such festive 
occasions as a dance in the Baronial Hall, are, like the 
ends of Pantomimes, a grand blaze of triumph. Unde- 
niably immaculate are they, and polished up to so high 
a degree of reflective power, that the wearer bears about 
with him a pair of inverted images of himself, one 
twinkling from each instep. While discussing the pro- 
minent features of the attire which distinguishes a 
particular class of persons, we are led to remark that 
some observations upon dress, as infallibly and also 
even minutely indicative of the character of the 
wearer, would be an acquisition to literature. It is, for 
instance, established beyond question that a man's 
disposition is as unerringly ascertainable from the 
shape of his hat, as the nature of a ship is from its rig, 
or a tree from a single leaf, or, by Owen, a mastodon 
from a single tooth. Should you wish us therefore to 
tell you all about any gentleman of your acquaintance, 
his thoughts, wishes, character, disposition, tempera- 



39 



ment, aspirations, and all the complex results of his 
mental and physical organization as acted upon and 
affected by external circumstances, show us only his hat, 
or merely a section of its brim, and there is his whole 
soul laid open and bare ! 

That an analogous criterion would be equally trust- 
worthy in the case of bonnets, need not probably be 
doubted. We forbear to enter on this topic at the 
present moment, but would merely mention in exempli- 
fication of the theory, as viewed in its broadest aspect, 
the two antipodal extremes of all the various received 
forms of bonnets which exist, and ask if they could by 
possibility be conceived to belong to the same descrip- 
tion of person. One of these is the small circular patch 
of muslin or lace, as it may happen to be, fixed to the 
upper portion of the nape of the neck of a young female 
party of coquettish tendencies, and which is known to 
the vulgar tongue as a " kiss-me-quick." This style of 
bonnet is usually characterised by such adjectives as 
roguish, or frisky, or wicked, or murderous, or aggrava- 
ting, or treacherous, or the like, according to its probable 



40 



effect, as estimated by the describer. The other form 
of bonnet is the quakeress-like cylinder, which, happily, 
shrouds while it enshrines the solemn and hard-featured 
faces of females either of fatal slowness or rigid austerity, 
and which breathes the exactly opposite language to 
that imputed to the contrary style of headgear by the 
suggestive title which we have quoted. Indeed when 
a face, and that too a strong-minded one, can only be 
descried in distant perspective, at the end, as it were, of 
a sort of tunnel, or Burlington arcade of bonnetary 
fabric, the occurrence of an impropriety such as that 
referred to in connexion with a " kiss-me-quick " is 
rendered not only an improbable eventuality, but a 
mechanical impossibility, since nobody with a neck 
shorter than a swan's, or a stork's, or an elephant's 
trunk, would have the power of access. 

Holding therefore, as we do, that human attire is 
fraught with significance to the intelligent observer, 
such a spectator will find in dances and reunions of all 
kinds, and formed from whatever classes, abundant 
amusement in speculations such as the following ; 



41 



whether for example, the couples which he sees are 
about to amalgamate into a marital unit, are, from the 
respective peculiarities of the partners which compose 
them, as betokened in their dresses, likely to prosper 
in that state of circumstances. It is to be remembered 
that this result will be happily achieved, not when tastes 
and temperaments are so precisely similar as to make 
the union of two individuals merely a double of each, 
but when the two natures which enter into combination 
are so dissimilar and complementary to each other as to 
constitute by their union a perfect whole. By this time, 
gentle reader, you must be impatient to escape from the 
Baronial Hall. 

The next subject of entertainment is a wheel of fortune, 
presenting an opportunity to persons who may be fired 
with an impulse for adventurous speculative enterprise, 
to invest a small sum, and win a greater or less prize as 
the case may be. The prevalent, and indeed uniform, 
occurrence of the latter eventuality, forms a subject of 
just complaint, either against the conduct of fate or that 
of the owners of such wheels towards the speculative 



42 



public. If the whole of the tickets might be turned 
out and inspected, the responsibility for the invariably- 
deplorable result of investment might be made to rest 
where it is due. We did not try our luck on this 
occasion, and indeed never do so, since a wheel of for- 
tune always calls up early associations connected with 
a passage in our early history, when with hopeful but 
most green trustfulness, we invested one shilling, 
out of our whole fortune of six of those coins, in a 
venture at the wheel of fortune at the end of Southamp- 
ton pier ; being tempted thereto by the persuasion that 
we might possibly win that model in a glass case of a 
Lord Mayor's state coach, so lavishly gilt even to the 
horses ! In our confiding innocence we implicitly 
believed that the ticket to which so magnificent a prize 
was attached, was, as the proprietor of the wheel 
asserted, actually among those in the box. We 
remember torturing our minds with a kind of luxurious 
perplexity, destined unhappily to be quite illusory and 
uncalled for, as to how we should get home such a 
trophy if we won it. And then the tumult of fevered 



43 



eagerness with which we tore open the ticket, to find 
ourselves the possessors (there were no blanks but how 
much more satisfactory would a blank have been than 
so derisive a pretence of a prize !) of a German pencil, 
one of those unfeasible institutions which you may cut if 
you can, or scratch yourself with the point of if you like, 
or make a skewer of, or do anything in the world but 
write with. It was no doubt weak to listen, as we did, 
to the fatal syren who whispered all too suasively that 
by returning the prize and adding another sixpence we 
might try our luck again. So the wheel of misfortune 
revolved again, and we drew a mustard spoon, which in 
a paroxysm of vexation we dashed down with another 
sixpence, and became the possessors of a quire of indif- 
ferent note paper. Upon having its axis lubricated by 
a further sixpence, the wheel of fate took another turn 
and produced a doll, a commodity as little adapted to a 
schoolboy's necessities, as a horse-bleeding knife (we 
can think of no more undesirable an acquisition than 
that in the whole compass of British manufacturing 
industry) would be to you, fair reader. We became at 



44 



last wildly reckless, and went on whirling deeper and 
deeper into the vortex of ruin, till eleven out of our 
twelve sixpences were gone, and a financial crisis of a 
desperate character stared us in the face. We retired 
at length (this is all true) in abject depression, enriched 
with a pair of frightful allumette-cases to take back to 
school. No wonder that to so juvenile a bankrupt life 
appeared but a dreary and sunless waste. We are sorry 
to confess to having breathed a series of passionate 
anathemas, a sort of concentrated essence of the Com- 
mination Service, against guileful syrens at the ends of 
piers generally, and against her at the end of the 
Southampton pier in particular. The poignancy of our 
anguish was intensified by the circumstance that our 
sorrows could not be revealed to our friends with any 
reasonable prospect of obtaining the solace of commu- 
nity of feeling with us on their part. The possession 
of the allumette cases was a mere mockery, and 
indeed an aggravation of woe, since they were just 
too valuable to throw away, and too ugly to give to any 
body, so that there remained only the inconvenient 



45 



alternative of carrying them about our person till the 
contingent realisation of a prospect, then in very dim 
perspective, of setting up house somewhere, and thus 
acquiring a mantelpiece to put them upon. It occurred 
to us some years afterwards, on seeing an old German 
lady at Baden losing wildly at roulette, what a pity it 
was that her star had not led her at the outset of life 
to take a walk on Southampton pier, and thus subjected 
her to the chastening discipline of adversity at the 
wheel of fortune there. Her incipient passion for 
gambling would have been thereby, as the cockney 
metaphor expresses it, effectually " singed in the bud." 
These reminiscences, together with our stay at the 
gardens, were abruptly terminated by the peremptory 
summons of the bell of the steam-boat for London. 



IMPROMPTU LECTURE ON ASTRONOMY TO 

A SMALL MAID-OF.ALL-WORK OF AN 

INQUIRING SPIRIT. 



That bright star which looks as shining as if fresh 
from an active wash-leathering is Venus. In this planet 
the mountains have a peculiar property, which is found 
also to belong to those in Timbuctoo, of being as exactly 
as possible twice the height of those which are only 
half their altitude. They are covered perpetually with 
deep snow. Their summits extend to so near the sun 
that the snow in question is frequently observed to grow 
red hot. Venus has a couple of dozen or so of satellites ; 
a pretty tolerable lot of followers it must be confessed 
for one lady, but Venus you must know is singularly 
attractive. In connexion with the subject of satellites 
and attractiveness, the notable fact may be adverted to 



47 



that the numerical amount of young bachelors who are 
found to be " cousins" to any given housemaid depends 
exclusively on the personal recommendations of their 
fair relative. This circumstance forms, of course, an 
impenetrable genealogical paradox to the uninitiated in 
such mysteries. The light of Venus is supplied by 
Aladdin's lamp, which is supposed to have gone out 
there, and to have been lighted again. When a screw 
gets loose in its arrangements, what is called an eclipse 
takes place. Next you see the dog-star, so called 
because it shines during the dog-days, and because also 
it is supposed by fanciful persons to bear some similitude 
to a dog, except only with respect to the head, body, 
tail, and legs, of that animal. It does not appear what 
sort of dog it is conceived to resemble, but on its first 
discovery it might have been pronounced to be then 
undeniably a new-found-land. That was so long ago 
however that it was then only a puppy. Mr. Green went 
up so high in his balloon one day that he could distinctly 
hear it bark. Just over the top of that tree is Jupiter, so 
called because that is the name which has been given to 



48 



it. Jupiter was a gentleman who lived, as an Irish- 
man would say, "in very former times," at the top of a 
mountain in Turkey. He had no house to speak of, 
but was always up in the clouds like the wits of 
transcendental poets. There, as Homer represents him, 
he sat, darting lightnings all about the world with the 
activity of the clerk at the electric telegraph office at 
Epsom, at 3.30 p.m. on the Derby day. He seems to 
have been addicted to drinking like a fish, his weakness 
for nectar, having been apparently as powerful as Dr. 
Johnson's penchant for tea, or the affinity evinced by a 
Yankee for mint julep and cobbler. Jupiter was called 
the king of the gods. So that it would appear that the 
idea entertained by the ancients of the acme of divine 
bliss, if adapted to modern circumstances, would be to 
remain permanently at the top of Primrose Hill tippling 
ginger beer. The popularity enjoyed by the last-named 
beverage in its duplicate character of " beer" and 
" pop" places it by the suffrages of the British Public 
in a position of supreme estimation analogous to that 
of the nectar of the mythological period. The title of 



49 



" nectar" applied to an objectionable fluid prepared by 
Soyer must be considered as a misnomer, if the name 
is intended to represent it as a celestial beverage. The 
consumer of that peculiar effervescent will be inclined 
to pronounce, after an analytical examination of its 
composition, as ascertainable from the flavour, that he 
has been regaled on a potion of what may be described 
as "spoilt water with a sneeze in it." Jupiter, as I told 
you, was considered to be the king of the gods. He 
was not at all so however of the goddesses, since the 
wretched fellow is represented as having been despe- 
rately henpecked by his wife Juno, who, from all we 
read of her, must have been as cantankerous a lady as 
Mrs. Caudle. The star just over your head is the North 
Star, which, though it looks through this telescope as 
no bigger than a somewhat stout pea, is in fact consi- 
dered by the most learned continental as well as British 
astronomers to exceed even an orange in actual magni- 
tude. The star which you observe in the dim distance 
is Vesta, who, since concluding her series of perfor- 
mances in the late classical extravaganza at the Olympic 

E 



50 



theatre, has been " starring it in the provinces." The 
planet near Vesta which appears to have been recently 
new-lackered, or touched up by Elkington, is Vulcan, 
so called because it is of almost equal brilliancy with the 
moon. Vulcan used formerly to move in its orbit only 
at the rate of five thousand miles an hour, but since 
the introduction of steam its pace has been materially 
accelerated. A little to the left of the windmill is 
the constellation Orion, which derives its name from 
having been first colonised by a party of emigrants 
under the guidance of an Irishman of the name of 
O'Rion. I must not forget to point out to you the planet 
called Mars, which is interesting as, probably more 
than any other star, resembling our world. Mars was 
called by the ancients the god of war. From the repre- 
sentations of him which have come down to us he ap- 
pears to have embraced the practice of wearing very 
light and airy attire, consisting merely, like the figures 
of St. George on some English coins, of a helmet and 
spear, so that certain South Sea Islanders are justified 
by authority in their adoption of the inadequate costume 



51 



which has been ascribed to them, of straps only and 
studs. By the way, I was nearly forgetting to tell you 
about the moon. The times and seasons in the moon are 
very different from ours, for the day and the night 
there each last a fortnight. So that an evening in 
that orb would be of sufficient duration for an Adelphi 
entertainment of three five-act plays, succeeded by a 
visit to the cider cellars, and would leave a margin 
over for supper and sleep besides. The group of stars 
you see yonder is what is called the constellation 
Cancer, or the Crab. It certainly requires a very 
ingeniously imaginative mind to perceive the fig^^re 
which whoever christened this constellation must be 
supposed to have traced in so irregular a cluster of 
bright dots. If one were to have the Crab and the 
Bear pointed out together, one would be apt to 
enquire which was which. The question would be as 
natural as the famous one, so often quoted, which was 
addressed by the little girl to the halfpenny showman, 
of" Which, Sir, is Daniel and which is the lion ? " and the 
exhibitor's answer of " Both's so like either that you 

E 2 



52 



can't tell t'other from which," or, " Vichever you 
likes my little dear, you pays your money and you 
takes your choice," would be no less applicable in our 
case than in hers. The spectator indeed of the favorite 
scriptural tableau referred to has an advantage which 
the astronomical pupil does not enjoy, namely, that the 
appropriate accessories of each object introduced are 
often presented with so elaborate a minuteness of 
detail as to render the respective identities of the 
prophet and the wild beast hardly liable to mis- 
conception. He is, for instance, desired to remark, 
"That's the lion, him with the iiery heyes and the 
curly tail. Tail you obsarve curls so stiff as nearly to 
lift his ind legs horf the ground. And that era's 
Dannel ; the helderly gent in the blue coat, with brass 
buttons, with the bald ed and carbuncled nose. The lion 
a knawin his wery claws horf with unger, and him a 
sittin all unconsarned on a three-legged stool a readin 
hov The Times noospaper of yester-day." The prophet, 
it may be remarked, did duty yesterday as Sir Robert 
Peel, with the lion, then personifying '' the British 



53 



lion/' at his side. The same pair of figures will, as 
likely as not, form to-morrow the tableau of Androcles 
about to extract the thorn from the paw of his strange 
patient. But this is digressing. The last planet I 
shall point out to you is Saturn, which has a kind of 
ring round it, so that its appearance may be compared 
to the bullet of a two-grooved rifle, or an Irishman's 
head with his hat on, the latter having been reduced, 
as is usually the case in the sister isle, to its brim, or 
the pictures which one sees of saints with ill-executed 
nimbi, impressing one with the notion that the holy 
people represented were distinguished in life by the 
peculiarity of having a brass quoit always whizzing 
round their temples. Saturn is more than eighteen 
million billion miles from the earth (small girl betrays 
no surprise at this announcement), or more than a 
thousand times as far as from Millhall to Cuckfield 
Church. Small girl is now much impressed with the 
conception realised from the latter illustration of the 
illimitable vastness of space, and wonderingly ejacu- 
lates, " Law, Sir ! " 



MILLHALL POULTRY. 



It is scarcely possible that the breasts even of 
the boldest can fail to be agitated by nervous apprehen- 
sion when embarking on an enterprise so fraught 
with peril as the venturing on a London egg. In 
order therefore that some of our most esteemed 
friends may be occasionally spared this formidable 
ordeal, it has been our practice to keep certain poultry 
at Millhall, so as to be provided with the means of 
dispensing a few eggs which can be warranted not to 
crow. The most brilliant achievement in laying which 
ever came under our immediate observation was per- 
formed by a small bantam who was found to have made 
a nest in the hedge and banked herself up there in 
a heap of the whitest and tiniest eggs imaginable, like 



55 



homoeopathic pills. The poor little soul nearly fell a 
victim to her exertions in the cause of duty, being so 
weakened by her efforts that she was shortly afterwards 
discovered squatting and unable to get up, in a cabbage 
bed, winking her eyes languidly with a dejected 
expression of countenance. Her exploits however 
were altogether eclipsed by the feat achieved by our 
neighbour Mrs. H 's hen which laid twelve full- 
sized eggs in one night. The fact is unquestionable, 
since the lady was asked one evening if she had any 
eggs to sell, and she replied in the negative. Next 
morning however she appeared with a dozen, represen- 
ted to have been laid in the night, and showed no 
disposition to controvert the remark that her one hen 
must be a most energetic bird. It would have been 
thought that nothing short of subjecting a prolific 
cochin to the action of a Bramah press, could have 
produced so magnificent a result, The occurrence is 
only paralleled by the singularity of the circumstances 
connected with the posthumous history of the same 
bird, and which may be worth recording for those, who 



56 



like our friend F. T. Buckland, have a taste for "curio- 
sities of natural history." They are merely these. 
Our old lady made a pie, a magnificent poultry pie, of 
sufficient dimensions to provide a feast for herself, 
husband, seven sons, and a daughter. Just however as 
the happy family were sitting down to the social meal, 
one of the county constabulary did himself the pleasure 
of looking in, and evinced a peculiar inquisitiveness as 
to the contents of the pie. Being informed that it was 
composed of the hen, he made a remark with somewhat 
sardonic humour to the effect that it must have been a 
centipede, or a very odd bird, to have had sixteen legs 
and eight breasts, with wings in proportion. We 
forbear to relate the sequel. Ingenuity of an unchari- 
table tendency has professed to detect in these 
circumstances a possible elucidation of the great ^g'g 
paradox. 

The most famous layers we ever had were some 
cochins, since a constant trickle of eggs dribbled from 
them all about the premises. Eggs too, not like your 
miserable Tottenham-court-road abortions, which are 



57 



suggestively described as " laid by contract, thirteen to 
the dozen/' but fine fellows of a delicate rose du Barri 
colour, and in point of size almost rivalling that which 
the big cock deposits in the middle of the stage in 
pantomimes, and from which, when slapped by 
harlequin's wand, is hatched a full fledged little 
harlequin. Cochins are indeed such indefatigable layers, 
that if you wish for an unimpeachably fresh egg for 
breakfast, actually warm from the hen, it will only be 
necessary to place your egg-cup, or rather perhaps the 
preparatory saucepan, within sight of your fowls, and 
the suggestion will no doubt be responded to by the 
dropping of an egg into the proposed receptacle 
forthwith. It must be conceded that they are certainly 
birds of very limited personal attractiveness in point of 
symmetry, springing, as they apparently do, as a cross 
breed between a lamp-post and a feather-bed. They do 
not make good mothers, having an unfortunate tendency 
to tread upon their offspring, scrunching them as flat 
as bifflns in the process, and in the result the value of 
the chicks is found to be materially impaired. 



58 



Our experimental course of rearing Dorking chickens 
was not crowned by any gratifying success, since some 
ill-disposed hawk of the vicinity carried off each pullet 
the very instant it had attained a satisfactory plumpness, 
so that the respective dimensions of the plunderer and 
of our brood varied inversely, or, as we were about to 
write it, perversely. Our experiments also in the 
rearing of ducks conduced to a more brilliant result in 
respect of the diversion afforded thereby, than in the 
attainment of any particular financial advantages. The 
air of Millhall was supposed to be too stimulating to 
their constitutions, and that they outgrew their strength. 
Whatever may have been the cause of it, they all 
laboured under a lamentable debility. The most 
advanced of the last brood we had, became, when still 
a duckling, prematurely old and decrepit, and staggered 
about in a pitiable manner (" all swimey like " as my 
housekeeper said) as though the pond water had got 
into his head. It was observed also that in consequence 
of some screw loose in the anatomical organization of 
his neck, it frequently occurred that when he had 



59 



tucked his head under his wing he could not get it 

out again at the conclusion of his nap. So that the 
spectacle was presented to a compassionate public of 
the outside eye peering out from behind the feathers in 
a helpless and imbecile manner, invoking apparently aid 
to a duck in difficulties, and reminding one of the race 
of beings described in Othello 



* The anthropophagi, and men whose heads 
Do grow beneath their shoulders." 



From the rickety disposition also of his locomotive 
arrangements, arising from debility, he waddled side- 
ways, as barge horses may be observed to do when 
half pulled oif their legs by the tow rope. Ducks are 
excellent gardeners in the very early spring before the 
seeds are in, as they like to look the borders over 
about twice a day, and with the portentous appetite 
with which they are gifted, it may easily be believed 
that a luscious slug or a juicy snail has but little 
chance of escape. Later in the year, the affinity 



60 



which is so strikingly developed in the duck constitu- 
tion for young peas and strawberries renders their 
banishment from the garden unavoidable. A duck 
is evidently an impulsive being, since at an instant's 
notice, springing from a state of profound quiescence, 
a whole flock of them will suddenly set off in a grand 
state of quackery and excitement, shuffling along in 
single file with a desperate earnestness and empresse- 
ment which is not a little ludicrous, seeing that the 
expedition never appears to result in any thing what- 
ever. A duck is also unhappily an example of 
unnatural conduct towards his relations. If the father 
of a brood is allowed to be at large while his offspring 
are still too small to escape his attack, he is sure to 
destroy them all, as mythologists tell us Saturn did 
his children. The paterfamilias too of our tribe of 
ducks presented a most reprehensible exhibition of 
selfishness, violently appropriating to himself all the 
fattest frogs, a dozen of which were daily brought up 
from the cellar for the benefit of himself and family. 
Frogs, it may be observed, form a nutritious and cooling 



61 



aliment, and are employed with good effect in the 
fattening of young ducklings. Our duck's conduct 
also to his two wives in the matter of a certain pan 
was most indecorous and unmarital. The pond being 
dry, and the web-footed family manifesting some 
discontent at being debarred from their favorite luxury 
of cooling their toes, and being seen, as Virgil says, 
" Incassum studio gestire lavandi," a pan of water 
was established for them to dabble in, and enable them 
to rince their bills duck-fashion. The old duck 
however, imbued with a spirit of petty tyranny, used 
to seat himself in the middle of the pan, and make 
furious darts with his bill at any of his family who 
should timidly venture to try and obtain the smallest 
sip from his bath. It is satisfactory to be able to 
state that conduct so reprehensible not unfrequently 
met a signal chastisement in the shape of clods of earth 
or other soft brickbats of a miscellaneous character, 
which alighted from some unknown quarter, to our 
friend's very particular surprise and discomfiture, pre- 
cisely on the centre of the crown of his head, causing 



62 



him to decamp in hot haste and in a very excited state 
of quack and flutter. The pan, though to some extent 
a useful institution, was not altogether a satisfactory 
substitute for the pond, since its shallowness precluded 
its frequenters from executing the favorite manoeuvre 
to which ducks and light wherries are observed to be 
so addicted, of turning wrong side upwards. The 
vicissitudes also of temperature at the apex of the 
Millhall ridge are so excessive, that our note-paper- 
size sheet of water seemed to be always either frozen 
or dried up. Should we at any future time embark on 
another speculation : i duck-keeping, it is our inten- 
tion to adopt the shallowest bodied birds which may be 
obtainable, so that the resources of the pan may be 
more conveniently available to them. By a judicious 
cultivation of favorable individual peculiarities in 
this respect, we are not without hope that a breed 
of ducks may be developed so flatbottomed as to 
swim, as certain Yankee steamers are advertised to do, 
where it is only a little damp. The uninitiated in 
the mysteries of duckery may be interested to 



63 



learn that the three species of ducks in most 
general cultivation in England are the Aylesbury, the 
Salisbury, and the Rouen. What the special recom- 
mendations of the Salisbury birds are we do not 
happen to remember. The Rouen are stated in the 
poulterer's vernacular to be " more fatter," but the 
Aylesbury to be "more meatier." Anything less 
" meaty" than our feathered skeletons proved to be 
when brought to table could not be conceived by the 
most excursive imagination in the matter of ghosts, 
presenting, as these unhappy birds did, a spectacle of 
emaciation which was exceedingly deplorable. Viewed 
as comestibles, therefore, they could not be pro- 
nounced to be otherwise than unsatisfactory. When 
considered in relation to what orthodox ducks should 
be, they held an analogous position to that occupied 
by the icthyological phenomena supplied to the con- 
sumer as oysters in second-rate shell-fish warehouses, 
when compared with the real natives with which the 
customers of Pimm are gratified. The latter will be 
seen to beam luminously with fresh and tender luscious- 



64 



ness, while the former are found by persons of a 
temperament sufficiently bold and reckless to adven- 
ture on their consumption, to consist exclusively of 
grit and bilge -water. It may be satisfactory to intend- 
ing visitors to Millhall to learn that should they hear 
in future of duck-farming being practised there, any 
speculative enterprise in that quarter will have no 
reference whatever to the commissariat department 
of the house, and that our guests are not liable to be 
startled by any such anatomical displays as we have 
described. The ducks will be kept merely for the 
amusement they afford, as being very odd and un- 
accountable creatures in their ways, and generally 
quaint and comic. 



ODDMENTS. 



WHAT A REQUEST FOR A "PETIT DINER AT THE 
HOTEL DE LA POSTE AT BRIAN9ON PRODUCED. 

" SouPE," consisting of water diluted with something 
even weaker than itself, and in which a poultice 
appeared to have met a watery grave. French beans 
of the size of young cucumbers. Pommes d'amour, 
vegetable productions so red and wrinkled as to be 
vividly suggestive of washerwomen's thumbs. Trout 
of much the same dimensions as those used for counters 
at whist. A cube of beef, of the size of a die, and 
about as hard. Two chickens, not quite as large as 
sparrows, one roast and the other boiled. Compote of 
wild gooseberries from the adjoining mountains. Wine 
of puritanical- old-maid acidity. " Voila tout M'sieu.'* 
Bill two francs. 



66 



A PRACTICAL CONSIDERATION FOR MANOEUVRING 
MAMMAS. 

Don't give a ball at your own house, because all the 
various strings which each of your daughters has to her 
bow are sure to come to it. Then, since each young 
lady can flirt violently with but one of her satellites, all 
the rest of the troop, every individual of whom had 
entertained the fond illusion that he alone was the 
favoured party, go away in a state of signal disgust, and 
the chosen one, through perversity or conceit, probably 
does not come to a head after all. 



REFLECTIVE EPILOGUE APPENDED TO GRACE AFTER 

DINNER, AS ACTUALLY DELIVERED BY AN ELDERLY 

GENTLEMAN WITH WHOM WE HAD THE PLEASURE OF 

DINING. 

" Yes ! thank Providence for a good dinner, and I've had 
a very good one. Once to mutton, twice to beef, beer, 
and potatoes." Irreverent juvenile here goes off in 



67 



convulsions, and when brought to, inveighs against a 
perverse crumb which must have " gone the wrong 
way." 



CONSIDERATE CONDITCT ON THE PART OF THE SUN. 

During the London season the sun goodnaturedly 
rises overnight to accommodate ball-goers, who are 
thus enabled to see the spectacle on their way home to 
bed. 



NEW WORDS TO THE TUNE OF " I M AFLOAT. 
'^'M A FOOL." 
(Poeta loquitur.) 

I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a regular fool 

According to every accredited rule, 

I'm a dolt, I'm a donkey, and all must agree, 

When they hear why I think myself foolish, with me. 

f2 



68 



I'm a fool, for I think it a treat to dine out 
With people I don't care three-halfpence about, 
To chatter on subjects the most commonplace 
Yet keep up a gratified smirk on my face. 



I'm a stupid old fool, for I deeply abhor all 
Theatricals, thinking them grossly immoral ; 
I frown with a sanctified sneer at a ball, 
And join brother-boobies at Exeter Hall. 



I'm a fool, I'm the weakest of fools, for if ill 
I make myself worse with a Hollo way's pill. 
My dress, the mode, not the thermometer suits. 
And I walk in wet weather in orossamer boots. 



I'm a fool, I make puns and consider that witty, 
I trust in young ladles and think them all pretty, 
I stickle for fatally rigid propriety. 
And vote " empty bottles" delightful society. 



69 



I'm a fool, I believe nearly half what I'm told, 
I pay Cabby double for fear he should scold, 
I like grim old maids of the Puritan school — 
But enough — for I see you admit I'm a fool. 

Chorus of muffs, " I'm a fool," &c. 



PROPHETIC VIEW OF A FUTXTRE STATE. 
BY A TURKEY. 

Yes, my time is coming. At Christmas I shall be 
— roasted — possibly boiled — who can say ! since the 
dark veil of futurity, as a dishcover, shrouds this from 
my prophetic gaze. On the 26th these legs will be — 
yes — it is too true !— devils. On the 27tli my sad 
remains will be broiled. On the 28th I may make 
" positively my last appearance" as a hash. On the 
29th bones to the cat. I can pursue this painful 
theme no further. 



70 



IMPROMPTU REPARTEE TO A PARTICULAR QUESTION, 
NAMELY, 

" Who is your flame?'' Such a beautiful dame ! 

Quite a treat to behold, but alas ! 
Sad is your case, you can ne'er see her face 

Except — when you look in the glass. 



THE RIGHT WORD IN THE RIGHT PLACE. 

" The murmuring surge 
That on the unnumbered idle pebbles chafes." — King Lear. 

Since King Lear happens to be all the fashion just 
now, it may do some most unintelligent reader (the 
intelligent of course cannot need to have their attention 
directed to the matter) a service to point out the 
graphic force of the " idle" in the above passage. 
Anyone who does not feel the full spirit and propriety 
of the adjective referred to, as used in the line quoted, 
is entreated to take one of the cheap excur- 



71 



sion trains to Brighton (it will be well worth while) 
and sit on the beach there, and note how the peculiar 
and utterly passive " abandon" of the pebbles, as they 
listlessly suffer themselves to be rolled backwards and 
forwards by the flux and reflux of each advancing and 
retreating wave, is hit off by the epithet applied to 
them. As a general rule it may safely be wagered 
that no single word which is adopted by Shakespeare 
could be replaced by any other without disadvantage. 
The whole of the above passage might be adduced in 
proof of this now universally admitted fact. When 
our Boeotian is at Brighton, he is recommended to con- 
tinue his tour a few miles eastward, till he comes to 
a certain quiet little sandy bay just beyond Beachy 
Head, and there sit awhile 



" Watching the crisping ripples on the beach, 
And tender curving lines of creamy spray," 



and he will then begin to have eyes for the pictorial 
beauties of a more recent poet also when discoursing 
on the same theme. We have alluded elsewhere to 



72 



Byron's " staid lieutenant." The author of Don Juan 
has contrived by a single unpretentious little epithet 
to exhibit a vivid photographic representation of the 
gait, manner, look, and general bearing, of an English 
naval officer on duty. 



MESSRS. SHOOLBRED & GO'S ESTABLISH- 
MENT IN TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD. 

(excised from the 2nd edition of "a pipe of 

DUTCH KANASTER.") 



" The shops (at Amsterdam) are substantial, and 
occasionally smart, particularly one draper's which 
seemed to me more magnificent than anything of the 
kind at Paris, but not worthy to be named in compa- 
rison with the splendours in London. Probably in all 
such establishments there is a similar complement of 
bland gentlemen behind the counters, with spotless 
white neckcloths and insinuating address, to beguile 
half-reluctant ladies into wild investments in lace and 
ribbons, and thereby plunge their ill-fated husbands 



74 



into hopeless abysses of pecuniary embarrassment. 
It is an amusing sight to stand, regardless of commands 
from peremptory policemen to " muv on," at a certain 
spot in Tottenham-court-road, and peep through the 
glass door of Shoolbred's at the corps of ministering 
spirits behind the counter there. Observe one of them, 
him who is attending to that corpulent old lady in the 
snuff-coloured bonnet, who looks so unspeakably 
wretched on the narrow perch of a high backed chair, 
though trying with all her might to look happy and 
secure. With what winning and tender grace he 
propounds the enquiry as to what she may be pleased 
to want ! with what surprising manual dexterity he 
whisks out a roll of silk, or calico, or flannel, as the 
ease may be, and has measured out and snipped off the 
desired length in infinitely less than no time ! With 
what an air of confidential and tender solicitude he 
inquires what may be the next article he may have the 
pleasure of showing her this morning ! Nothing in 
sarsnets, madam ? Now this is a very tasty thing indeed, 
and very moderate ; yes, we can sell you this as low as 



40 



ninepence, the pattern too is exceedingly chaste. Now 
this is also a superb thing, and the colours are singu- 
larly rich ; this would become you particularly, Madam, 
and it is also a very unusual bargain." But the lady, 
scopulis surdior Icari, is inflexible in rigid self denial 
and economical resolutions, so the insidious blandish- 
ments of the tempter fall without efi*ect. Yes, even 
when he holds up the last new thing in satin, and softly 
sighing, says "sweet thing!" with gentle emotion, she 
remains grimly impregnable to persuasion, and is 
wholly unmoved by the last despairing appeal of 
" nothing in flannellings ? " And then when you begin 
to think he must be getting a little tired with his 
exertions, with what unimpaired alacrity he whips out 
a pen from a curly recess in the auricular demesnes, 
and then, all undaunted by the perilous addition of 
fractions to be encountered in the very first column, 
dashes through complicated arithmetical calculations 
with twenty-ready-reckoner speed and accuracy. But 
he hasn't half done yet. With what an appearance of 
something like sorrowful deprecation he receives the 



76 



money, as though he didn't like taking it, and was half 
inclined to protest against it altogether, and obeying 
the generous impulse of his heart make a present of 
the goods out and out. But he has prevailed on himself 
to take it, and has slipped off for change, which he 
brings back, possibly in a neat envelope ; and then, as 
if bent on raising the obligations under which he has 
laid her of the bonnet to a climax, slips in feverish 
haste to open the door for her (don't try to anticipate 
him, ma'am, for it would break his heart), and bows 
her out with a smile of ineffable sweetness and amia- 
bility. But stay a moment longer just to look at the 
Cashier, who inhabits the pew, or bin, or sentry-box, 
in the middle of the shop, and deals out change to a 
throng of impatient applicants faster than old centi- 
manus Gyges himself with his hundred hands could 
have done it. Yet he is always calm and collected, 
although the very nucleus of the bustling whirl of the 
whole establishment, and called as many ways at once 
as would have reduced a thousand Figaros to the last 
extremity of distraction and despair. But now you 



77 



must keep a liitle out of sight, and take only a sly and 
modest peep at the elderly gentleman with the urbane 
yet strong-minded countenance who paces slowly up 
and down the nave, so to call it, of the shop, and has 
just now turned his face towards us. He is one of the 
partners in the business, or at any rate a high poten- 
tate in the establishment, and saunters in dignified 
leisure, awing and subduing the throng around him. 
Like "the staid Lieutenant" whose look, gait, &c. 
Byron so graphically describes by a single word. What 
unimpeachable integrity is written on his face ! How 
intensely respectable his massive watch chain ! What 
irreproachable purity of character is shadowed forth by 
the unsullied spotlessness of his very boots ! He is a 
rigid and inflexible disciplinarian however, and frowns 
grimly on the slighest breach of propriety. But 
though such a " Jupiter Omnipotens " and sometimes 
also " tonans," he can be bland too, nay even conde- 
scending, to those who show themselves worthy of 
such notice by becoming his customers. Just at this 
moment, see, he is bowing with graceful courtesy to a 



young woman with a basket on her arm who is leaving 
the shop, and dismisses the happy object of such favour 
all in a glow of pride and exultation at the distinction. 



But this is a digression.'' 



EPITAPH ON DOG BILLY. 



Hie jacet Gulielmus. 
Mortuus es Gulielme ! oculus caret iste nitore 

Unicus,^ heu olim quod fuit unde jubar ! 
Curva magis, dictu mirabile, (nescia semper 

Flectere) lethali frigore cauda riget. 
Scilicet interitus tanti carbone ab amicis 

Creta a felina gente notanda dies. 
Funerea caudam velabit Lou tua palla, 

Dimidium^ melius flens viduata sui. 
Quam canet^ exiguum pugna commissus iniqua 

Cerberus infelix, te rapiente^ gulam. 
Par antique^ vale ! spirataque ab eere (Latino 

Rite canum®) maneat laus celebrata canis, 

(1) The other was lost in the wars. 

(2) Her better half. 

(3) Sing small. 

(4) Whip out his wind-pipe. 

(5) Old fellow. 

(6) Dog Latin. 



THE MORNING ADVERTISER. 



Do you ever read the " Tiser ? " If not, you neglect 
a periodical which in freshness of intelligence as well 
as in extent of circulation is second only to The Times, 
and you remain unconscious of the opportunities for 
setting up in life and realising a fortune without doubt 
or difficulty which the advertisements disclose. The 
theological element has however of late occupied the 
most prominent portion of the paper. In religious 
politics the " 'Tiser" is of course rampant low church, 
and down right pugilistic, so to speak, in its style of 
abuse of the world of M. B. waistcoats. Nothing 
short of a perfect dragon of evangelicism will satisfy 
our polemical publicist, since not long since when a 
notice appeared in The Times that a particular divine, 



81 



who, so far from having Anglican tendencies, was 
supposed to be pretty much of an " anythingarian," 
had been raised to a bishopric then vacant, the Advertiser 
hastened to declare that the announcement had been 
altogether premature, and added that it was hoped that 
the premier would appoint " some less objectionable 
party." We remember on one occasion observing a 
foreigner who had borrowed a BelVs Life from us in 
an Austrian railway carriage, reading an article in that 
paper on some point of religious controversy which 
was then agitating the theological world, and ponder- 
ing on it with grave attention, being utterly guiltless of 
any suspicion whatever that our different newspapers 
are each authoritative oracles only in their own par- 
ticular class of subjects respectively, and that clearly 
no party whatever of polemical disputants would ever 
speak by the voice of so intensely and pre-eminently 
secular a publication as Bell. The Advertiser is however 
the organ of the Paul Foskett school of philosophers, 
and a worthy exponent of the opinions professed by 
those worthies. Our friend is of course as arrant an 

6 



82 



ultra radical as ever was hatched, and never ceases to 
punch the ribs of despotism, or, as it would say itself, 
" to beard each haughty despot," with invectives of an 
energetic description. We certainly do not happen to 
recollect at this moment an instance of our thunderer's 
denunciations having been attended by any remarkable 
effects, or that a sufficient amount of general indig- 
tion was ever excited by them to (we adopt the style of 
the articles referred to) hurl any particular tyrant or 
oppressor from his gory throne, amidst the enthusiastic 
plaudits of assembled Europe, But victims of domestic 
no less than of foreign oppression find in the Advertiser 
a chivalrous and ever-ready champion, and a bosom 
with a chord in it strung to vibrate with a thrill of 
fraternal sym'pathy with the British blackguard in a fix. 
Should some convivial party of irregular habits be 
fished out of a gutter in a state which he will probably 
mildly describe next morning as having been '' summut 
forard in beer," or, as we should more uncompromi- 
singly express it, in a state of abject fuddlement, and 
not be received at the station-house by the superintend- 



83 



ent on duty with the elaborate courtesy which a feel- 
ing for him in his trials should, as he considers, dictate, 
the '"Tiser," on hearing of the circumstances, becomes 
very eloquent on the subject of " pampered officials," 
and warns the authorities what a crater of popular 
indignation is seething beneath their feet, and getting 
up its steam for a grand explosion at the earliest 
opportunity. 

The letters on various subjects which are addressed 
to the Editor present reflections of the somewhat 
erratic views with respect to syntax entertained by 
his correspondents. Their solecisms in orthography 
happily receive some judicious chastening while 
passing through the press. Most of these letters 
evince a sublime contempt on the part of the writers 
for being trammelled by those petty niceties of diction 
and paltry technicalities of grammatical construction 
adopted by educated composers. The idiomatical pecu- 
liarities also are of a richly oriental stamp, that is to say, 
savour strongly of Whitechapel and the eastern postal 
district generally. It is to be deplored that persons 

G 2 



84 



who are fired with literary impulses of this description 
should think it necessary to endeavour to create a 
peculiarly erroneous impression of their being classical 
scholars. This object is attempted to be attained by 
the introduction of quotations, generally alleged to be 
from Horace, but such as would make that poet's 
hair stand on end with dismay, could he enjoy the 
privilege of perusing the " 'Tiser," at the enormity 
of the atrocious Latin laid to his charge. With 
respect however to irregularities of composition, the 
advertisements constitute even still more surprising 
literary phenomena, exhibiting such grammatical por- 
tents as would give Lindley Murray a fit. To quote 
an instance actually verbatim, and with the punctu- 
ation of the original. (The comments in paren- 
theses are of course our own.) 

A GOOD LIVING FOR ONLY THIRTY 

-LjL GUIXEAS. — Superior General Business, Country Butter, &c., 
for about half value through illness (of the butter? ) The ju'oprietor 
of this genuine little business, averaging about £15 per week (the 
proprietor?) being through illness compelled (his advertisement 
affords internal evidence of there being something radically wi*ong 
about him) to leave London, affords an opportunity of advantageously 
combining energy with a small capital seldom occurring, being (N.B. 
the advertiser) an excellent opening for the Coal Trade, 'vith back 
entrance for horses (!) Rent only £26. Apply at 54, St. John-street, 
Smithfield. 



86 



We were very much tempted to apply at the address 
given for the sake of the interest which would have 
naturally attended an introduction to a person who had 
achieved the literary exploit of the conception and 
composition of the foregoing, We confess to a 
curiosity to see the man. It appears that he is to be 
let at an average of £15 per week, and he is clearly 
cheap at so low a figure. As a draughtsman of Acts 
of Parliament, in the accepted style of rendering their 
meaning inscrutable by the most ingenious obfustication 
of language which the perversest legal ingenuity can 
devise, he would be invaluable to the country. He 
must have caught his vein of inspiration from the 
perusal of such compositions. Another wiseacre of 
the same stamp as the one just quoted writes " These 
long established premises are now to be disposed of 
solely through the illness of the wife" (the wife of 
the premises ?) Another informs us that his premises 
are to let, and that "The proprietor being about to 
enter another line of business must be disposed of 
immediately" (the proprietor must?) It is to be 



86 



hoped that the " other line of business " is not con- 
nected with our national literature. 

Our " 'Tiser," as it is with affectionate familiarity 
termed by its patrons, being the great medium of 
intercommunication between the members of the 
Licensed Victualling and of the subordinate fraternities 
of the same character, a large portion of its space is 
devoted' to descriptions of "businesses" in various 
lines, each of which is represented as a short cut to 
opulence and comfort, in fact, " a genuine money- 
getting concern." The language in which the parti- 
culars in each case are detailed, though eminently 
graphic to the initiated, partakes so much of the 
technical, that some of its eloquence is lost to the 
profane. Since however this eminently "vulgar tongue ' ' 
has a certain quaintness of individuality about it which 
is not altogether devoid of amusement for the general 
reader, we may introduce a small collection of inelegant 
extracts from the two or three numbers of the paper 
last published. To begin with the following, which is 
likely to be so tempting to a young couple that it might 



87 



be conceived to have the effect of suggesting the 
expediency of committing matrimony to those who had 
not previously had any such step in contemplation. 



niTY OF LONDON. A FREE BEER 

v_y HOUSE. To be disposed of, the present occupier going into a 
licensed house. The above is suitable for a young married couple 
having a small capital. There is a good Coffee Trade, in addition to 
a first-class beer connection. To be let at a premium and valuation. 



The two following would appear to be the very 
Walhallas, or Escurials, or Chatsworths, of public- 
houses 



BEER PALACE. To be let, by W. H. John- 
son, in an immensely populated beer-drinking neighbourhood, 
drawing 20 barrels a month, all across the counter. A capital jug 
and glass trade. The bar is splendidly fitted up— 2 entrances. A 
convenient house, with back premises, suitable for a manufactory- 
part let off. Is held on a good term, and possession had on easy 
terms. Apply, &c. 



A CORNER FREE ALE AND STOUT 
HOUSE. Situate in a leading thoroughfare, doing a very 
large glass trade, at full prices, and adjacent to the most popular 
place of amusement in London, where thousands congi*egate every 
evening ; those who are seeking a genuine concern, should see this 
immediately. The premises comprise a noble bar, bar parlour, 
bagatelle room, several bedrooms, and private entrance. Held on a 
long lease, at a low rent. Apply, &c. 

The following is encircled by what one might call a 
halo of mysterious interest 



I' 



88 



"MPORTANT TO COFFEE-HOUSE KEEP- 
ERS A^^D OTHERS. Old-established business in the most 
improving part of the City, for about £100 cash, recently cost £250. 
Pressing circumstances, impossible to explain in an advertisement, 
compelling the proprietor to leave immediately. Presents an oppor- 
tunity to any business person of soon doubling the investment, being 
surrounded by warehouses, manufactories, &c. Rent and taxes all 
let off unfurnished. Particulars of Mr., &c. 

The ingenuity which is evinced by the last advertiser 
in contriving to embody every possible absurdity of 
confused writing in the above remarkable production is 
worthy of note. So also is the somewhat elliptical 
form of idiom with which it concludes^ namely, that the 
" rent and taxes are all let off unfurnished.'' The state- 
ment of " pressing circumstances impossible to explain 
in an advertisement compelling the proprietor to leave 
immediately" opens up an expanded field for conjectural 
activity in those who find amusement in the exercise of 
imaginative speculation. For the variety of " pressing 
circumstances " which might be attended by the result 
referred to, have a range extending from a demand upon 
"the proprietor" to fulfil the duty which his country 
may be conceived to claim from him of assuming some 
brilliant and important position in the court or legis- 
lature, to a compliance with the decree of a judicial 



89 



tribunal by taking a dance upon nothing, as it is play- 
fully termed, in front of the Old Bailey at eight o'clock 
on some fine Monday morning in the presence of a 
large concourse of spectators. We feel disposed to 
view the latter eventuality, rather than the former, as 
that to which the retirement of the proprietor would be 
with more probability referable. Such a case seems 
to be shadowed with more distinctness in the following 



TO BE LET, under very painful circumstances, 
a first-class ALE and STOUT HOUSE, doing an excellent 
business, and decidedly the gi'eatest beer-drinking neighbourhood in 
London. 



And more explicitly still in this 

A SMALL PUBLIC-HOUSE TO BE LET. 
Coming in for lease, furniture, and effects, £200, being 
offered at the above low sum in consequence of the present party 
having a Government situation. 

The Government situation obtained by " the present 
party" may be reasonably conjectured to be at Milbank, 
It would probably also be found that Her Majesty's 
Government in inviting him thither have been actuated 
by considerations connected with his moral improve- 



90 



ment, and that he will make his visit to the Peniten- 
tiary rather as a temporary sojourner there, than as a 
permament functionary engaged in the administrative 
department of the establishment. 

In the following it will be observed from the words 
which we have taken the liberty of italicising, that the 
establishment offered is precisely adapted to the require- 
ments of persons wanting exactly such a thing, which 
is a truly " undeniable" recommendation indeed ! 



pHEAP AFFAIR. SUPERIOR GENERAL 

\J SHOP in the suburbs, doing; a good profitable trade, for a few 
pounds only; entirely through illness. The above genuine little 
business — a short distance from the City — 7i'ill he found suitable to 
almost any jiei'son seeking something of the hind, &c., &c. 



It might with equal propriety be added that it will be 
found to be unlike anything which it does not re- 
semble. 

What may be called the consumptive tendencies 
of the vicinity in each case, as developed by the nature 
of the occupation of the residents, forms a material 
consideration in estimating the probable custom of any 



91 



particular establishment. Instances of this occur in 
the four following advertisements 



A 



GENUINE SNUG LEASEHOLD PUBLIC 

HOUSE, situate in a good mechanical neighbourhood. 



LEASEHOLD ALE AND STOUT HOUSE. 
Commanding corner. Very handsomely fitted, and paying £45 
per month proof. Messrs. MONK have the above to let, with imme- 
diate possession. It commands the best course of an immense 
traffic, and is surrounded by large factories, constantly employed. In 
energetic hands fully capable of £90 per month, besides refi*eshments^ 



CAPITAL FULL-PRICED HOUSE, doing 
also a large trade in Chops, Steaks, &c., at best prices. Hun- 
dreds of clerks, &;c., are employed in the immediate vicinity. 



A FREE ALE AND STOUT HOUSE, in one 

-LjL of the greatest traffics in London, doing a capital glass trade, 
with a jug trade at 3^d. per pot. 

So, in many cases it is stated that houses already 
" doing an excellent full-priced trade," " doing a hand- 
some counter trade," &c.,are, from the reputed absorb- 
ing powers of the vicinity, " capable from the locality 
to do 50 barrels per month." Chemists wishing to dispose 
of their premises do not appear to have adopted, as 
they might have done, a corresponding form of recom- 
mendation, by stating that in consequence of the com- 



92 



bined conditions of an abundance in the neighbourhood 
of lollipop shops, together with a large juvenile 
population, and the exigencies naturally arising from the 
concurrence of these circumstances, their establish- 
ments are capable of doing such and such a number of 
gallons of aperient and other corrective medicines per 
week. Those who are unfortunate enough to have 
had occasion to form an intimate practical acquaintance 
with the vicinity of the Inns of Court will estimate 
the recommendation quoted above of " hundreds of 
clerks employed in the immediate vicinity" at the consi- 
derable value which in fact belongs to it. To realise 
its whole force a visit should be paid to Long's in 
Chancery Lane on a hot afternoon in an atmosphere so 
suffocating as is only to be experienced in legal pre- 
cincts. Such an atmosphere as makes the most mus- 
cular men feel weak and limp, and which causes thin 
men to evince a tendency to evaporate, and subjects fat 
ones to a liability of descent into the heels of their 
boots. There is then consequently a violent run on 
cool drinks and esculents of a succulent character, and 



93 



Long's trade becomes furious. In the technical 
language of reports of markets which records the 
circumstance of any particular article of commerce 
having been in brisk demand by stating, for example, 
that sugars were lively, leads buoyant, butters animated, 
and tallows feverish, it might be said that on such 
occasions, lemonades, gingerbeers, and pops, are in ex- 
uberant, nay boisterous, spirits. As for the delectable 
compound of ale and gingerbeer known as shandy- 
gaff (we must decline responsibility for the ortho- 
graphy of a word which subsists in tradition only, and 
was probably never spelt before) that gets into a state 
of wild and fiery excitement. The general briskness 
pervading the establishment in all its departments 
culminates in the opener of oysters, who digs away at 
dozen after dozen of his victims with frantic energy, 
till he first wallows, and eventually gets banked up 
beyond hope of deliverance, in an encircling accumu- 
lation of shells. Glistening luminously, up to the 
last that can be seen of him, under his exertions, like 
the moist molluscs which his knife exposes. Nc 



94 



wonder that oysters are popular at Long's, fresh, juicy, 
and plump as they appear to be, none of your un- 
pleasant Whitechapel prodigies all beard and seawater. 
The cool ales dispensed at the Rainbow and the Cock 
in Fleet street, and the aromatic coffee to be enjoyed at 
Groom's, have achieved an European reputation and 
are independent of any mere local patronage. Adjoin- 
ing these is a confectioner's establishment conducted 
by a party "rejoicing," as the Eton Latin Grammar so 
quaintly says that transitive verbs do in the particular 
cases of substantives upon which they operate, in the 
name of Button. From the impressive display of 
triangular tarts, commonly known we understand as 
" cocked hats," which his shop window presents, he 
would seem, judging from appearances, to be connected 
by extended commercial relations in those delicacies 
with the more inexperienced portion of the surround- 
ing legal community. Since however we have wholly 
failed to detect any reckless person actually consuming 
dainties of so exceptionable a character, we feel dis- 
posed to embrace the theory that the tarts referred to 



95 



must be only artful models of pastry in sandstone, such 
as one sees at the mineral shops on the Chain Pier at 
Brighton, and that decorative effects only are contem- 
plated by their exhibition. 

The advertisements of public houses, and the asso- 
ciations of not altogether unmixed attractiveness which 
their perusal recals, are sometimes pleasingly relieved by 
sketches of establishments of a more interesting 
character such as the following 



COUNTRY SHOP AND PREMISES. To 
be let or sold. Suitable for gi-ocers and general dealers, 
bakers, beershop keepers, dairymen, &c , especially those retiring a 
few miles from London to recover health. A new 4-roomed roadside 
cottage, shop at side, shed and garden, in a small village near a ^ 
market town. Commanding a moderate business without exertion, 
or a large trade by driving a chaise and cart to supply neighbouring 
residents, in a beautiful surrounding countiy. 



It requires but a very limited flight of imagination to 
raise a soft vision in one's mind's eye of the aged 
grocer, publican, or general dealer, as the case may be, 
retired, after the agitating turmoil of " a brisk counter 
business," into a calm retreat like this " in a beautiful 
surrounding country." Who's fancy is so inert as not 
spontaneously to picture him reposing in patriarchal 



96 



dignity under his own vine or fig tree, contemplating 
the encircling panorama of field and grove, himself 
the gentlest and most lovely ornament of the sylvan 
scene ? The beams of satisfaction, kindled by the 
consciousness of the rectitude and integrity which 
marked his past career, illuminate his countenance, and 
shed their soft halo round his reverend head, while at 
the same time the impress on his delicate cheek of the 
finger of sickness (which, as the advertisement suggests, 
may have been the cause of his seeking such retire- 
ment) chastens with its gentle and subduing touch of 
tender pensiveness the more cheering effects of the 
tableau. 

Although we are lingering rather long in a public- 
house atmosphere, it would be too gross an omission to 
pass over in silence the manifestoes of the army of 
potmen and barmaids who are candidates for new 
situations. All such persons, it will be observed, have 
"undeniable characters," a term which might be ob- 
jected to as equivocal, did not its susceptibility of any 
interpretation which may be consonant with actual 



97 



fact secure its uniform consistency with truth, and thus 
exempt it from criticism by the lovers of candour. 
It may be reasonably inferred upon perusing advertise- 
ments of this class that since " no objection to the 
country" is so often appended to them, the charms of 
rusticity have ordinarily no attractions for ladies and 
gentlemen of the bar. The two following are speci- 
mens of the ordinary style in which the candidateship 
of some fair would-be debutante in " public " life is 
notified to the world 

AS BARMAID. An active young woman, 
aged 23, with many years experience of a brisk counter. No 
objection to make herself useful, oce. 

And 



TO HOTEL KEEPERS AND PUBLICANS. 
A young lady, age 21, of highly respectable parents, wishes for 
an engagement as barmaid in a good house of business. No salaiy 
required for the first six months. 



A third states that she has '* no objection to make 
herself generally useful, if not too menial." A fourth 
expresses her readiness to place her energies at the 
disposal of society " as barmaid in a spirit bar, or to 



wait on a parlour," while a fifth notifies herself to be 
available also as " gridiron cook," whatever that may 
be. The theory that all of us have each our own 
peculiar talent in which even the most obscure would 
shine, were but an advantageous sphere presented for 
its exercise, finds some support in the following adver- 
tisement, of a kind not very uncommon, in which a 
very juvenile lady rests her claims to eligibility on the 
circumstance of her portentous weight 



AMERICAN BARMAID, 12 years of age, 
weighing 17 st. 10 lbs., &c. 



America, to judge from the gigantic size of its natural 
products, appears to be the modern Brobdignag, whether 
we take our 17 st. 10 lbs. charmer as an example of 
their ladies, or their skylarks, which, as we gather 
from our friend Elihu Burritt's description (and so 
accurate an observer of nature and truthful an authority 
cannot mislead us) are about equal in cubic volume to 
an ordinary bandbox, and consequently don't seem to 
care about " soaring " much, or the Kentucky parsnips 



99 



which grow so long that they may be pulled out by 
their lower extremities at the Antipodes. A farsighted 
view to something more than a position of mere present 
emolumentary advantage is apparently discernible in 
the address of the fair spinster (for such no doubt she 
must be), who declares her services to be available " as 
barmaid where a potman is kept." Just as if you, 
eligible reader, being still on promotion, were to notify 
your readiness to act " as governess where a tutor is 
employed," or " as tutor where a governess is kept," as 
the case may be. 

What are the duties of an ordinary "potman" may 
readily be gathered from the recommendation most 
prominently put forward respecting themselves by 
members of that profession of having been " used to a 
brisk counter trade." When however you read that 
Mr. Philpotts is desirous of forming an official con- 
nexion with some establishment as " outpotman," 
we confess ourselves not in a position to explain in 
what the particular duties of a paid attg^che of this 

description to a publichouse may consist. He may be 

H 2 



100 



supposed to be identical with the " one o'clock beer," 
one of those gentry with roseate faces and snowy 
white aprons whom one observes after church on 
Sundays carrying about pewter pots of malt liquor 
frothing merrily on little vehicles, partaking about 
equally of the nature of sedan chairs and outside 
jaunting cars, shedding a pot at each area, to be 
reclaimed thence empty next day suspended by its 
handle from the rails. He appears to bear an analogous 
position to that of the apostle of the baker who may be 
seen at the same time, namely, after church on Sunday, 
in the active exercise of his vocation. Small hungry 
boys find it a cheap luxury to follow, sniffing actively, 
the last-named functionary as he bustles along bearing 
from the bakehouse to its destination the Sunday dinner 
tray, with its richly-browned leg of mutton and trim- 
mings, or the smoking sirloin with its encircling 
garniture of baked potatoes and Yorkshire pudding, 
leaving a ravishing perfume in its wake, and forming, 
in the strain of guide-book eloquence, a picture calcu- 
lated to entice the appetite and engage the nose. 



101 



The various "businesses" and "concerns" stated, ac- 
cording to the particular class to which they may belong, 
to be "doing" such-and-such a number of sacks per 
week, " having a good run in Small goods," or " a good 
run" (this is a favourite expression) " in takings," show 
how multitudinous are the fields of commercial enter- 
prise in which a party of speculative impulses may 
expatiate. We insert three examples of " businesses " 
which are described in the following terms 



A GENERAL SHOP, near Soho-squaie. Old- 
. established. Has done above £12 per week. To effect an 
immediate sale £8 will be taken for utensils and fixtures. Also a 
capital Fried Fish Business — corner shop — stands well, and will always 
command a good trade. This must be sold before Michaelmas, so 
£10 will be taken for fixtures, &c. 



piGAR BUSINESS FOR IMMEDIATE 

yy SALE. A lady who cannot, from family engagements, attend 
to the above, which for situation stands second to none in London, 
will dispose of the same, on very advantageous terms, if taken early. 
The coming in for stock and fixtures will be under £50, and offers to 
a persevering young man the certainty of a lucrative investment. 



GENERAL BUSINESS. Rent and taxes only 
£17. Doing £12 a week. Price £25, Situate near Golden- 
lane, St. Luke's — one of the best spots in London for this line, 
where any person, male or female, can always do a good profitable 
trade. This is a chance. Apply immediately at J. Nicholson & Son's 
Office, 6, Chiswell-street, Finsbury-square, near the shop. Letters 
enclose stamp. 



102 



A '' general business," where it may be presumed 
that no conceivable form of development of industrial 
ingenuity, from a farthing lollipop to a princess' gar- 
ters (which may perhaps be taken respectively as the 
nadir and zenith of the universe of manufactures in 
point of interest) can be reasonably supposed to be out 
of place, appears to be the sort of establishment the 
conduct of which would be calculated to suit "a party" 
whose genius is of too comprehensive an order to tolerate 
confinement within the limits of any one particular 
sphere of mercantile operation. The prosecution of a 
"fried fish business," to judge from our own experience 
of Middlesex Lane, Ratcliffe Highway, and other unsa- 
voury localities where persons of the Jewish persuasion 
who are much addicted to fish fried in oil do much re- 
sort, and where the characteristic aroma of their favorite 
preparation addresses itself with unpleasant obtrusive- 
ness to the nose of the pedestrian, would necessitate 
such an insensibility to unappetizing influences as we 
are very far indeed from enjoying. 

It is a fact which has not yet been satisfactorily 



103 



accounted for that nine tenths of the Johns and Bettys 
who meet in service, and agree to blend their bright 
existences and fortunes in the connubial amalgam, are 
fired with an illstarred impulse to set up in the green- 
grocery line. Illstarred, because the rate at which their 
cabbages go off varies inversely as the rapidity of evan- 
escence of the capital formed from their poor savings 
of wages. Soon therefore succeeds a perplexing season 
of fiscal embarrassment, followed by a return to service 
of the unhappy couple, minus their small accumulations, 
and probably also they are no longer ' ' without encum- 
brance." We say therefore " to persons about to 
marry " of this description, be deaf to the syren's 
song in your 'Tiser of " A snug corner greengrocer's 
coal and potatoe warehouse with a good family con- 
nexion." Choose rather "a confectionary business, 
ices would take well as there is nothing of the kind in 
the neighbourhood," or consider the proposal addressed 
" To any young couple who are in want of a light 
genteel business in the tobacco and news line and other 
miscellaneous works," or let your walk in life be " a 



104 



milk walk " of which an indefinite number seem to be 
always in the market, "doing" a fabulous amount of 
" barn gallons " a day. You would probably with 
reason consider the following comprehensive scheme of 
commercial enterprise as too multifarious in its aims to 
permit of so exclusive a concentration of the faculties 
on one particular set of objects as the intricacy of 
mercantile operation is usually found to demand ^ 



GROCER'S AND CHEESEMONGER'S, 
with a full-priced milk walk attached. Ill-health the sole 
reason for parting with this money-getting affair. 



Another class of advertisements in our 'Tiser will 
supply some food for the digestion of the reflective 
mind in the examples they present of the endless 
minute differences in shades of employment into which 
in the highly methodical organization of our present 
social state labour is divided, as well as of the 
curious multiplicity of occupations which are as fully 
recognized as distinct trades by the lower strata of 
society as are the Law, Physic, and Divinity, of the 
upper ten thousand. What for instance may be 



105 



the nature of the performances expected of the 
"cutters" in the two next quoted advertisements, or 
what the most desirable qualifications " either in the 
carcass way, or in any part of the shop sales " referred 
to in the third may be, we can but conjecture, though 
they are evidently distinct, although minute, subdivi- 
sions of professional employment, and considered to be 
too well recognized to require detailed particulars. 



Tir ANTED, a respectable young man, about 20 

T V yeai's of age, as under cutter in an eating house, and to do 
the general work. 



TYT ANTED, by a person who thoroughly under- 

T T stands his business, a situation as measure cutter or manag- 
ing slop cutter. Two years reference can be given. 



TTT ANTED, by a respectable man, a situation 

T T as foreman to a master butcher ; a person well qualified, 
either in the carcass way or in any part of the shop sales. 



Before laying down the numbers of the 'Tiser on 
which we have been preaching so tedious a sermon, we 
cannot forbear glancing at the advertisements of a 
miscellaneous character which our newspaper contains. 
About the top of the third column on the first page is 



106 



generally to be observed a notice fulminated against 
some delinquent Mr. Tunks, or Buggins, or Grout, as 
the case may be, whose proceedings would seem to be 
characterised by a culpable dilatoriness, that if he does 
not fetch away his mangle, or whatever other insuffi- 
ciently appreciated souvenir of himself he may have 
left on the advertiser's premises, it will be sold to pay 
expenses. A vendor of some heinous quack medicine 
which he calls " incomparable oil," heads his puff 
with " antagonistic to prejudice and empiricism," and 
since his advertisement continues to appear, the con- 
clusion, however difficult of realisation in actual belief, 
is inevitable, that there are living people, or to speak 
with probably more accuracy, people who have lived, 
of temperaments sufficiently wild and reckless to 
venture upon the suicidal temerity of applying incom- 
parable oil to their persons. Another advertiser vaunts 
some probably no less mischievous preparation as 
" unique," which it probably is. " A trial solicited 
and competition defied," and he adds "the money 
returned if not satisfactory." This last engagement it 



107 



would be no less unreasonable than unfair to mistrust, 
the meaning of the undertaking given being of course, 
according to its strict literal terms, that if you pay him 
with a bad shilling he will return it to you for the 
purpose of receiving one more " satisfactory." The 
culminating point in the eulogium of the merits of a 
poney advertised to be sold refers to the actual exist- 
ence at this period of the world's history of a female 
anomaly such as we had supposed to be extinct since 
the days of " the fair one with golden locks " since 
it is stated that it " has been driven by a lady with a 
silver mane and tail!" 

One does not often find among the advertisements in 
the 'Tiser the manifestoes of persons who make their 
"desire to form a matrimonial connection" known 
through the press. Such people seem for the most part 
to choose weekly rather than daily papers as vehicles 
for the notification of their wishes. The reason of this 
circumstance may probably be descried in the fact that 
weekly periodicals permeate more difi'usively than 
do daily papers among rural districts, where nature's 



108 



products are all delightfully green together, and where 
therefore such advertisers have the best chance of 
putting their salt, to use an ancient metaphor, upon the 
tail of some very silly bird. It occurred to us on 
reading a book on natural history the other day, what 
a resemblance two incomplete humans each panting for 
another half bear to certain lion ants of Africa. It ap- 
pears, unless the naturalist we quote is a gross romancer, 
that these ants are actually slimmer at their waists than 
is even the English variety of that insect, and that they 
are consequently liable to the embarrassing contretemps 
of being divided altogether by any slight accident. 
When this disaster occurs, the two halves are alleged 
to wander discontentedly about in search of that with- 
out which each of them feels its own separate being to 
be incomplete, but should they at length encounter one 
another, a truly connubial hostility ensues. 

The language of the descriptions which the columns 
of The Advertiser contain, some of which we have 
quoted, of the various " businesses " offered to the 
speculative public, might, as it would seem, be advanta- 



109 



geously employed by those seeking to double them- 
selves through the agency of the press, in describing 
their own recommendations on the one hand, and inti- 
mating the nature of the qualifications desired to be 
met with in the responding party on the other. Thus, 
supposing a young lady to have made up her mind 
that to marry an amiable tradesman with a fortune of, 
say £200, would satisfy her aspirations in life, she 
might adopt this advertisement, merely substituting 
her own description for the heading of "A brewer's 
public house," and state herself " To be sold, — cash 
required for possession £200, suitable for a gentleman's 
servant or a young tradesman. The above has only 
to be seen to procure a purchaser. Principals only 
treated with. Parties meaning business may apply on 
the premises," &;c. 

A widow who has ceased to be particular about the 
recommendations which must distinguish a candidate 
for a partnership with her, except as to the satisfactory 
state of his consols' account, might write "Worth 
attention. To be let, a genuine concern. Parties 



no 



with £1,000 may obtain particulars and cards to view." 
An old female party, somewhat the worse for the 
wear of time and the discontentedness of spinster-hood, 
who has found that the setting of her cap at a long 
series of single persons of the other sex has been 
attended with no result, or by merely that of a little 
barren philandering on the part of some of them who 
may have happened to be desirous of getting their 
hands in for proposing to sombody else — a veteran we 
say of this description who has gone into dock, and 
had her hull and rigging re-fitted with a view to a 
final cruize in search of a prize, might present a shadow 
of herself in an advertisement something on this wise 

OLD-ESTABLISHED CONCERN. To be 
let, with immediate possession, the premises known as the 
Gorgon, expensively fitted up, and which have been recently painted, 
and undergone a thorough decorative repair. Parties applying for 
the above must be able to command £1,000. 

A retired general officer, who, like others of his cloth, 
must be supposed to be a person of a bold temperament, 
would probably be the only kind of person sufficiently 
strong-minded to pursue the advantages placed within 



Ill 



the public reach by the foregoing. If he should answer 
it in the same style, some of the similar terms used 
with reference to houses to let might be conveniently 
adopted in enumerating the items of his personal 
inventory. For example, " Commanding front " (this 
would depict his martial bearing), and he might hold 
out as a bait that the " decorative items " (his medals 
and stars if any), " together with the fixtures " (false 
teeth, etc.), and " other miscellaneous effects " (wooden 
leg, wig, etc.), "to be included in the valuation" 
(would become his wife's perquisites). 

In conclusion, the proprietor of Millhall begs us to 
insert the following original advertisement 



TY7 ANTED, a housekeeper and companion to a 

tT single gentleman. This is a genuine opening for any enter- 
prising young party of the female sex. Persons of a " serious " turn, 
strong-minded females, snorers, snuff-takers, and those of a very 
skinny habit, objected to. A compensating premium required with 
green spectacles. The advertiser is open to any reasonable offer, and 
will be prepared to negociate with any eligible party meaning business. 
Tenders to be made, stating real name and address, to the Editor of 
" Gossip from Millhall," at the publishing office. No Irish need 
apply. 



THE END. 



LONDON : 

J. CHISMAN, PRINTER, 42, ALBANY STREET, 

REGENT'S PARK, N.W. 



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